Almost 5 years ago I was graduating from University and terrified no one would hire me. I hated the job hunt process and felt so very not good enough. So when I got an offer, what did I do?? I took it of course! Finally, my self-esteem issues and money troubles were fixed! I’ve checked a box off on the list of being a normal adult. Right? Not so much.
I grew so tired year after year of trying to fit in.
I like a phrase I found on Pinterest (not sure of the author), ‘trying to cram her sparkly star-shaped self into society’s beige square holes’. The job wasn’t terrible, and neither were the people or the company, but I couldn’t fit in.
I have some recovery from anxiety, depression, and codependence, so I said to myself, ‘ok I might not fit in, but maybe I don’t need to. I do a good job just as I am’. But to be myself in this company (who wanted exactly my opposite) was going to be an uphill battle. The tough part is knowing when to let go. I had been white-knuckling this job since I started and was just too exhausted to fight anymore.
So my choice was to resign.
No other job to go to, but I knew my soul needed to be separated from that cubicle. Resigning was one of the hardest things I have done to date. I had to face the fear again that no one else would hire me. That fear is a tough one for me, and something I am still working on. I know I’m not alone, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Now, I am a couple weeks into unemployment. The unexpected gift of being unemployed after leaving the corporate job is that I am untangling myself from it. I can start to see what I was blaming on the job and what is my stuff. This is frustrating, for sure. We all want the magical cure-all, and I am no exception.
However, I have decided that being myself is more important to me.
I am going to end on a Brene Brown quote that really resonates with me, especially at this time in my life.
“In this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance. Choosing to live and love with our whole hearts is an act of defiance. You’re going to confuse, piss off, and terrify lots of people – including yourself. One minute you will pray that the transformation stops and the next minute you will pray it never ends. You’ll also wonder how you can feel so brave and so afraid at the same time. At least that’s how I feel most of the time … brave, afraid, and very, very alive.”